The smell of our favorite gluten-free chocolate muffins wafted from the oven.
My five-year-old granddaughter stood on a stool at the sink, washing the mixing bowl.
“Grandma,” she said, “when the muffins come out, can we have a tea party?”
“What a wonderful idea,” I said.
At this point, you may imagine that a tea party for a five-year-old looks like stuffed animals sitting in chairs around a child-sized table, sipping imaginary tea from miniature cups.
But this is what happened next.
“Can we use the teapot with cranes on it? And the cups that match?” she asked.
I pulled down the gilt-edged tea set from the upper cabinet and set it on the counter.
“Grandpa!” she called as she ran toward the study. “We’re having a tea party when the muffins are ready. What kind of tea would you like?”
“How about lemon mint?”
“Perfect!” she replied as she headed to the dining room.
She opened the placemat drawer and picked out placemats and napkins she thought coordinated with the tea set.
Once the placemats and napkins were on the table, she carefully placed the cups and saucers on them.
“I’d like to use the small red plates for the muffins.”
Down came the plates.
She filled the tea kettle, opened the tin of lemon mint tea, filled the tea basket with tea leaves, and turned on the kettle.
Then she went to the pantry drawer, pulled out a jar of mixed nuts, poured some into a bowl, placed a spoon inside, and put it on the table.
She moved a vase of flowers to the center of the table.
“Grandma, would you pour the water into the teapot? I think it’s too heavy for me. But I can pour the tea into the cups.”
And a delightful tea party was had by all.
Sometimes I take this kind of activity—a five-year-old being able to set up (and clean up!) a tea party—for granted.
But the attachment to reality and the opportunity to participate in real activities such as cooking, serving, and cleaning are exactly what children need.
When we work with our children and show them how to do real activities, they want to get involved in doing the “real things” rather than simply mimicking adults with imaginary cooking, miniature dishes, and pretend guests.
Children engage in these activities of daily living with joy and confidence. They are happy to serve the people they love while developing greater independence in their lives.
Having an attachment to reality is one of the signs of being on the natural and healthy path of development—the path of normalization.
How can we help children along this path of development?
The keys are simple in theory and more complex in execution.
Create a prepared environment filled with meaningful activities.
We can start simply by having a shelf of activities that a child can choose from, work with, and then return to order on the shelf.
Offer uninterrupted time.
When we can give our children—and ourselves—uninterrupted time to choose and complete an activity to a personal level of satisfaction, we see a person who develops the confidence to act independently and challenge themselves with increasingly difficult tasks.
Give short lessons.
Show, don’t tell.
When you show a child how to do something, think S.L.O.W.—Slow Hands Omit Words.
Children learn best by watching. So slow down, do one thing at a time, and stop talking. I think you’ll be amazed at what a difference that can make.
Preparing the environment for learning and living, offering uninterrupted time, and giving short demonstrations will help you build independence and competence in your child—and, most importantly, build trust in your relationship.
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