“Candy, please,” asked my grand-nephew, who was then 18 months old.
As he entered my mother’s house, he spied the green-lidded jar that, for generations, had held miniature chocolate bars, mainly for the children.
As I lifted the lid so he could fetch a candy bar, I remarked, “That’s the last piece of candy in the jar.”
He took the candy from the jar. Looking at it for just a second, he then held it out to me.
“It’s for you,” I said.
“No, you,” he replied, a look of loving sincerity on his face.
“What?” I thought. “This has to be the first time I’ve ever seen a child give a piece of candy back. Especially the last piece!”
Kneeling down to his level, I said, “It would make me so happy to watch you eat this candy bar.”
He smiled and took the tiny bar from the palm of my hand. He sat down at his little table, carefully unwrapped the candy, and ate it.
What I experienced with my grand-nephew and that bar of candy was a moment that offered me a glimpse of healthy development in a young child.
For me, it remains the youngest age at which I’ve witnessed what I think of as the sublimation of the possessive instinct in a child.
Knowledge, understanding, love, and service can help nurture this development.
When a child’s needs are being met and the child feels secure in relationships with the adults and other children in their environment, there may be room for something remarkable to emerge: the beginnings of trust that there will be enough, along with a growing desire to think of others.
That small exchange over a piece of candy reminded me of the possibilities inherent in the natural development of the human being.
But…
There are a lot of obstacles along that path. And it is easy to be knocked off our path of normalization.
In his book Inner Excellence, Jim Murphy writes about PALMS, five symbols of success that can replace our true dreams and cause us to lose sight of what is meaningful, empowering, and enduring in our lives.
In short, when these five symbols of success replace knowledge, understanding, love, and service, we are knocked off the path of our natural and healthy development.
What are the PALMS?
- Possessions
- Achievements
- Looks (physical appearance)
- Money
- Status
In my experience, when we see people in turmoil, they may have exchanged the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, love, and service for these five symbols of success.
Our natural tendency, though, as children demonstrate, is to direct our activities toward learning and serving others.
When our energies are directed toward acquiring possessions, achieving recognition, looking a certain way, accumulating wealth, and gaining status, we may sacrifice what gives our lives meaning in order to obtain these symbols of success.
Each of us is born with natural tendencies that guide us toward living a unique life—becoming our true selves.
The path of normalization offers us a way to learn and grow into who we are meant to be. It allows us to fill our hearts with love, wisdom, and courage so that we can become people who love our lives and everything connected to them.
The development of inner excellence begins on the day we are born. That is the course we are on until we are knocked off track by a variety of circumstances.
When we do get knocked off course—and it is inevitable—we can find our way back by choosing activities that lead to the growth of knowledge and service to others.
As Dr. Montessori told us about children:
The most important discovery is that a child returns to a normal state through work.
—Dr. Maria Montessori, The Secret of Childhood, p. 185
What I’ve observed is that adults, too, return to a normal state through work—work that cultivates wisdom, love, and the courage to be our true selves.
It’s as simple as giving candy to a baby.
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